I rarely come into conflicts. What does it mean in my case? This means that for the most part I keep my opinion to myself, because it may not arrange someone. This means that I independently experience all sorts of contradictions in the inevitable in communication. And my neurosis tells me a lot of human thanks.
why are you afraid?
“Do not be afraid of the conflict” – an article from the author’s cycle of Anna Arkatova, dedicated to our main fears. What is their nature and how can we handle them? New articles of the cycle “Do not be afraid!”Look for on our website.
Somehow my kind acquaintance, let’s call her faith, invited me to stay in her country house. I was my dog, a young labrador with me. We slept (in the sense of me and the dog) below the living room. And everything went wonderful for a week – we played tennis, walked, and in the evenings we read poetry. Until on the weekend, the mistress friends have not joined us. The time has come to fit, the place at home, I must say, in bulk, but in the process of simple screamings, the dog and I are sent up to the girls, and
the living room is left to the young man. But the fact is that the dureha Labrador cannot climb on such cool steps. It needs to be left below. But it turns out to be impossible. The young man – by the way, the doctor is deadly afraid of dogs. He himself, however, is silent, but Vera starts in earnest. Let the dog sleep in the yard. Who? My bead-sushi, to whom I kiss my tummy? Sleeps in the yard? You, dear, is in your mind? (Just don’t think that I say these words, they crack inside me.) In short, the picture of oil is in the place of a cute, generous, bohemian faith (also, by the way, dog lodges), a pure meger is self -loading. A wordless doctor, apparently, is required to be preserved as a combat unit. And we, then, are strangers, yes? But I nevertheless do not enter into a conflict, like I agree to all conditions. As a result, everyone is sleeping according to the master’s scenario. The dog, however, is not on the street, but scraping and scraking in tiny ground. I, tormented and scraking, on the second floor, and from four in the morning – on the street. The young man sees bright dreams in the living room. Breakfast passes in silence. Fortunately on this day a trip. My head is split, I am suppressed, we have not met with Vera anymore.
But here is another example. I know, I can’t stand medieval castles. It’s not that they offered to live in them – but there were also enough excursions to count the day ruined. They seem incredibly dull and hopelessly similar to each other. And out of six days in beautiful Paris, two I have to spend on a trip to the castles of the Loire. I would only dream about it – and I am in longing. Our colleagues – a couple of journalists (this is their idea) – even rented a roomy car and hotel. There are four of us – colleagues, I’m with my husband. (Oh, four is the most conflict format, so you know!) And the closer the day of this journey, the more unbearable the idea of the Middle Ages. I tried to persuade myself and somehow put up there. The situation is also aggravated by the fact that my spouse is hostage (these are his friends). I would humbly pull myself together and sacrifice my whims for the sake of the general (well, not in the Sverdlovsk region, in the end, you are being taken!) pleasure. In short, I rebelled. I said: Sorry, as you want, I wildly apologize – but I can’t. DON’T WANT. Collapse, silence, we have already made money. And you know – nothing! Everyone went without me. We had a great time. I enjoyed Paris, guys – Loire Valley. My husband had to explain in more detail (not very pleasant, but not fatal!).
You can’t even call these situations to conflicts – so, a reaction to standard inconsistencies. But when your puzzle shifts day after day and you do nothing to restore it, in the end you stop recognizing yourself.
Once my neighbor in the cabin was … a pilot. He flew for an internship. And with pleasure told what is called the intricacies of the subject. When I grabbed the armrests frantically in the turbulence zone, he smiled – you don’t worry! For modern aircraft, the normal mode is just a “bolt”. Everything is done for this pitching. And passengers think that it is right when!
Comment by Alexei Sivov, psychologist and family consultant
“The conflict has been laid down in us evolutionarily. But this is by no means a primitive confrontation that reigns in the world of animals when the loser should either leave or die. And the conflict with the possibilities of negotiations, clear boundaries of permitted and not allowed, since there are nothing more important than the boundaries during confrontation.
In the first story, the heroine of the conflict avoids. But as a result, relationships are still spoiled. It turns out that the hidden conflict was still. The hostess unexpectedly established too hard boundaries, the violation of which would be inadequate punishable. That is, a quarrel or scandal would flare up. The heroine of the guest did not dare to mark her boundaries. Instead, she, tormented, sacrifices her own sleep and peace.
The second story is more unambiguous. She about the possibility of defending her rights and desires without an injury. The heroine deliberately goes into conflict-albeit non-aggressive, but still risky, due to the fact that a close person is involved in him-her husband. Nevertheless, as they say, no one died, everyone satisfied his interests. No one is obliged to do what does not want.
Conflict is a difficult, but absolutely necessary period in a relationship. Any spheres of human being – love, family, professional, friendly – does not pass the stage of conflict. Often a person is in the world of illusions, and they have the ability to dissipate at the most inopportune moment. The conflict can precede this metamorphosis, prepare, force it to reconsider some positions in relations, without waiting for deep disappointments. The parting with illusions is painful, but it is necessary – it is very difficult to live in a fairy tale.
How are not afraid of conflict? Many are afraid of him due to possible aggression. And violations of personality borders – own anger or anger opponent. To establish the line, it is enough to say firmly: “I am unhappy, and my anger has reason”. And it is important to remember that the boundaries most often clarify precisely in the conflict. And he is not at all a cry, but a bitter pill of reality. It is important not to turn a constructive clash into a psychological game “The Fool itself”, when not individuals, but emotions, but to hold on to the format of negotiations ”.
